As Long As I Live You Will Live
As Long As I Live You Will Be Remembered
As Long As I Live You Will Be Loved...
Author unknown
Loving and missing you my sweet boy
It was hard to have your birthday "party" without you Tyler, but we tried to celebrate your short life the best we could, with both smiles and tears. Your sister and I got up in the morning and made you a beautiful cake, it was chocolate with chocolate frosting, I let Gaby pick it out! I made the cake into a number 4, my first try at this, so it wasn't perfect, but it turned out okay! I can't help but wonder what you would have chosen for your cake if you were here, a firetruck? Maybe an airplane?
We each picked out a balloon for you and wrote you a message, Gaby colored you a picture and Oliver did kind of, though he was more interested in eating the marker, sorry about that!!! Did you get your balloons???
I wonder what kind of cake in heaven you had and who was at your party, I bet you have a lot of friends in heaven, my sweet boy, how I wish I was there with you to watch you blow out your candles.
You sister made us laugh so hard. We were eating cake and she looks up to heaven and says, "I love Tyler......and I love flies", she is a character that little sister of yours. We talk about you to your little sister and your little brother, you will always be a part of our family, we will always miss you my love.
Many of our friends called, e-mailed or messaged us on your birthday, they love the webpage. Not sure how I would do this without many of them. My heart hurts every day for you..........I wish for you to come back, but my wish is never answered.
April 6th, 2010
I replay April 5th, 2006 over and over in my head, almost every day. After I climbed back onto the bed and they put the monitor on my big belly, nothing....silence....except for the sound of the baby's heartbeat coming from the mom's belly that is in the bed next to me. The nurse looked at me and said "where do they normally find his heartbeat?" Right away I started screaming and crying, I knew, I knew he was gone, they had never had to look for his heartbeat, we even heard it in the womb at 11 weeks, he was always there.
The rest of the night was a nightmare. They looked for a heartbeat for an hour while they waited for the doctor they paged to come and see me, I can still hear the swishing sound and the baby's heartbeat next to me, even through the sobbing. An intern came up and I'm sorry, but she was super rude. She checked me, looked for Tyler's heartbeat and then asked me if I had ever had an abortion....WHAT? "NO" I said, the nurse's eyes got super wide, she said, "what the doctor meant was, have you ever had a miscarriage or any other losses?" Again, "No". The doctor finally came and we waited for the ultrasound tech to come up to see if there was anything left of my sweet boy, there were so many people in our room, thankfully the pregnant mom and her live baby were sent home by now. They pointed the ultrasound away from me and I watched the doctor's face, he looked at me and shook his head, "I'm sorry". I wanted to die and I think a part of me did.
They wanted to induce me, nope, I wanted none of that. I wanted a c-section and Ben agreed. They told me they didn't want to do a c-section, there was a chance I could die, REALLY? I didn't care. My doctor came to the hospital and she finally agreed that it was okay to go ahead with the c-section, but she couldn't do one, so another doctor was called in to do it, sweet Dr. Ritter, who would later deliver Gaby with the same tears flowing down her face that were there when Tyler was born, but in Gaby's delivery room they were tears of happiness.
Silent....except for silent sobbing. That's what the delivery of my son was like, silent. It wasn't like I imagined....there wasn't any hooting and hollering, or laughing, just a lot of silence.
Tyler was born at 12:10 am and he was perfect! He had all of his fingers and toes, lots of dark hair and this beautiful, perfect face. It was love at first sight.
